Pick up Lines
What?: What do these mean?
(leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate.
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Are we related? Do you want to be?
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Can you say Constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask.
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Can you spell ICUP. I-C-U-P. You saw me pee. (laugh profusely)
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Do you know how to use a whip?
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Drop 'em!
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Excuse me, do you live around here often?
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Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
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Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
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Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
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Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
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Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
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I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin'...
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I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.
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I'm drunk.
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I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.
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I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
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If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
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Like the look of your crotch.
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Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
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Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
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Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
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Say, did we go to different schools together?
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That outfit must make a lot of noise in the dryer, huh.
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What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??
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Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!
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Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
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Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
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Would you like to see me naked ??
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Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?
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You are just truly absolutely beautiful! Can you cook and clean also?
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You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
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You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
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You know what I like about you? My arms.
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You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
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You know, my mother says you have the smoothest complexion of anyone she knows.
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You look just like my mother.
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You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
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You remind me of a girl I used to date.
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You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.
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You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.
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Your name is Laura, huh? Can I call you Laura? Really, what time?
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Submitted Line Attempts Successes
Are my undies showing? Answer: "No." You: "Would you like them to?
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I'd walk a million miles over broken glass just to meet the guy that fucked you last.
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If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
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Excuse me , she says "Uh huh", do you have any Grey Poupon? no? well we can still get the sandwich action going on baby....
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hey baby, can i feel your Ginsana? (No.) Wanna feel mine?
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Do you like clocks? (Yes.) Put two hands and a face on this. (Point down)
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Do you like chocolate? (Yes.) You can have my bar.
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Beer is the root of all evil. Give me a beer. I'm a WICKED root!
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Hey baby... you got any diseases? Want some?
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I'm an iceberg on a summer's day in South Carolina.
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Is your name daisy? Because I have a sudden urge to plant you right here!!!
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Pardon me, do you mind if I push in your stool?
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would flip the M and W (double you).
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If belly buttons were a status symbol, then baby you would be God.
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Have you ever seen a tree branch? [Girl] Yes. [Guy] How about a root?
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I have four words for you "Hol I Day Inn".
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I am not a queen but I'll give you something royal.
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Is your name Brandy? Because your the best liqueur I have ever had.
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Does an elephant taking a shit make you want to fuck everything around you?
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Do you want a worm-do? (Whats a worm do?) It does this..(Move your finger like a worm~~~~~~)
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I'd call this puppy love but I'm not into all those new positions.
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Wow, your eyebrows are thick.
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I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.
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I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?
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Are you an Emerson? Because those are some nice tits!
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You're like a Pringle. Once I pop ya, I can't stop ya.
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Your hair is so soft. Do you use Paul Mitchell products?
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You smell kinda pretty. Wanna smell me?
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I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
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(if your name is Dan) Did you know my name backwards is "Nad"?
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Hey baby, I think you made my two by four into a four by eight.
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I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
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Have you ever heard of the naked pretzel? Ok, sit on my magical lap and we'll see what rises!
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Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
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Buy me a beer, will ya hon?
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You look like my mommy. I like my mommy.
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What the hell are you looking at?
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(go up to a table and whip it out) Charlie!! Anyone you recognize?
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Hey... Didn't I see your name in the dictionary under "Kablaam"?
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Do you have a name or can I call you mine?
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Someone vacuum my lap, I think you need a clean place to sit.
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Excuse me, but do you have the temperature?
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I want you to have my children (pause) GREAT! They are in the car outside..
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If I was hungry for crabs would you spread your legs for me?
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Do you have a license for that wagon you're draggin'?
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Were you staring at my crotch?
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Hi, do you speak English? (yes.) Oh, me too.
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Can I impregnate you with my Demon spawn?
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You can stand next to me as long as you don't talk about the heat.
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Hey, you've got a lawyer's ass. Yip, it's firm.
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So, are you a Skinner or a fucker?
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Like Motel 6, I'll leave the light on for you.
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Can I ASS you a question?
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You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
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Bitch, you without me is like Harry Melvin without Bluenotes: You'll never go platinum.
Did that make sense?
Nope.
o you like to drink through straws?
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Hi, my name is Peter. Wanna find out why?
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Ever seen the movie "Fear"?
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What color is your shit?
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If you were the alphabet, I'd place you under "O"!
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I cannot believe what a complete slut you are.
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If I had AIDS, would you have sex with me? (No.) Well, I don't, so let's go.
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Are you an oscillating fan? 'Cause your phone is ringing.
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Hey Bitches!!! Free Cociane!!
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How do you know that I'm not loving you now?
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Do you know that the Edmonton Oilers haven't won the Stanley Cup for a while now.
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Will you be my christmas cracker? I'd really like to pull you.
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Your eyes remind me of diamonds, because diamonds are expensive, and so are eye replacements, and baby- you need eye replacements.
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Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.
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Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?
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Actually, not that bad...
You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?
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Would you like to shake hands with beef?
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I'm not a chef or a dancer, but I can pop cherries
A dancer?
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I treat a bitch like seven up, I never have, I never will.
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Excuse me, but why is your moose drinking my cheese?
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How do you make a chicken run? Hold on, and I'll have my little brother show you.
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You'd make a bishop kick out a stained-glass window.
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Do you come here often or wait till you get home?
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Have you ever wondered what a vaginal blood fart smelt like?(No) Cool....me neither.
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Are you cold? (Yes) You want a jacket? (Sure) Well, not here, you can jack it when you get back to my room.
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In Venezuela only real men have big mustaches.
Works if you've got a mustache, or not!
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Baby I've got one- help me make it two!
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Here, you take my lollypop and I'll improvise...
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Hi my name is _____! Can I pee in your butt?
Be sure to use a fake name.
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Hey sexy. I like shoelaces, bow-ties, and motorized wheelchairs. Wanna go back to my place and use all three?
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If you were yogurt, would you be fruit at the bottom or stirred?
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If you were the Virgin Mary, could I bless you?
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Excuse me, but I think I left your sunglasses in your pocket. Mind if I check?
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What's wrong with the chics in here? They just don't like gorgeous guys anymore...
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If I look the way you look when you walk, I'd walk everywhere I went.
WHAT!?!
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One day there was a bird. This was a magical bird that sang all day. It had many jolly frolicking happy prancing friends that sang songs of joy and happiness. Whenever they flew by the flowers they became happy too. Then everything died. Now doesn't that just turn you on?
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If you have oral-sex with your own clone,would that be called masturbation?
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So....I heard you wanted to fight me.
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Are those shoes, cause that is a cool calender!
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I just shit in my pants. Can I get into yours?
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People say that masturbating will make you go blind, if that were true, not only would i be blind, but my seeing eyedog would have vision problems.
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Hi, I was just wondering? Do you wipe front-to-back or back-to-front?
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Oak tree leaves are green in the fall and your pants are red in the hall.
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Are you gay? Cause if you are, I just got castrated!
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Can I get you a cold banana?
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Ya know, if Ivanna Trump married Neil Diamond, she'd be Ivanna Diamond. And if Ivanna Trump married Chris Rock, she'd be Ivanna Rock. If Ivanna Trump Married Tom Cruise, she'd be Ivanna Cruise.
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I once knew a squirrel named Marvin. God your hot. Marvin is in Africa now.
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Excuse me, are you well protected?
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Hey baby, everything I'm going to do to you tonight I learned at SeaWorld.
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You can't be first, but you could be next.
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What's the difference between the stay puff marshmallow man and a stay-puff marshmallow? The marshmallow will fit in your vagina.
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I have a cat. She would really like to meet you.
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Tuesday is coming! Did you bring your coat?
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Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!
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So, do you like turtles?
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Driving and my penis...they are both hard for you.
Huh!?!
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You, Me, and a midget makes three.
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You remind me of my cousin. (How?) I want to fuck you so bad, but I know that I can't.
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Just remember: To you, I am a virgin.
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I've got a big nose, big hands, and really big feet. That's right, I'm a clown.
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Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?
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You know, its girls like you that make me wish I were a lesbian.
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I wana spank you with a sack of kidney beans while you cover yourself in whip cream and let a horny duck named jeff lick it off you.
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I didn't know that Miss America used to live right here.
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You can touch mine if I can touch yours with mine.
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I%u2019d say oral sex with your clone is masturbation. Wouldn%u2019t you? Either way, if I were you, I%u2019d fuck myself. You know, I hear we are what we eat. Want to masturbate?
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I don't know if you know this, but I have a driver's license.
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Given that true intellectual and emotional compatibility are at the very least difficult, if not impossible, we could always opt for the more temporal gratification of physical attraction. That wouldn't make you a shallow, would it?
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You see my friend over there? Good. I thought the drugs were starting to make me hallucinate.
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I make more money than you can spend.
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Is this your house key? Could I have one?
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If you were suddenly transported to the sun because of an evil scheme devised by an evil Russian chicken and asked to take off your clothes and make love to the burning flames and then recite the presidents in alphabetical order by their middle name while juggling 11 midgets holding soda cans between your two front teeth that will be operated on by 86 evil Czechoslovakian dentists named Farkus who got their degrees studying the taste buds of Tom Selleck at a college named after some guy who wasted away his life by eating pork grinds naked in his mom's basement while searching for pictures of Kirsten Dunst to use for purposes that cannot be explained by the 1972 Junior High class of some school that no one cares about in Eastern Idaho where woodland creatures choose to spend their lives trying to recreate some bad 1940's soap opera instead of frolicking happily in the woods, would you prefer chocolate ice cream or vanilla?
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What color is your toothbrush?
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I what to become a STUD. You know, you can't spell stud without STD and U.
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You owe me a drink! (Why?) Why not?
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You know how they say guys are full of shit, well that may be true, but I just got my colon cleaned today.
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I'm hung like a tic tac. Freshen your breath?
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Yesterday I wanted to take I shower. I pulled back the curtain and there was a rhinoceros and a giraffe in the tub. They were eating cheese and they said "Hi."
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I have this vacuum but it seems to be be broken. Can you blow in it and see if it spits everything out?
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Your boyfriend/girlfriend tells me your great in bed.
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